Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Death Becomes Us

I've killed a lot of people recently. Some died quick, others unfortunately had to suffer. Most died unmercifully, a few died for a cause, and even fewer had just or fair deaths. It was hard killing most of these people and I kept changing my mind, thinking I couldn't go through with it. But I had to.

Of course, I'm talking fictionally. If you've read Contagious, then you know no character is safe and I off quite a few of the main characters. Alas, such is the life in the ZA. No one is safe, especially if you go out on a mission or fight against the zombies. Every minute is literally life or death and one false move can cost you your head.

For reasons most unfortunately more realistic than the books, death seems to be lurking. I've been around death and dying a lot lately, and it got me thinking about life, living, and the purpose of it all. I've been stuck in a funny mood, unable to move on or get my head focused on anything else.

Life is short. We've heard that little (yet powerful) saying many, many times. When I think back on my childhood years, life doesn't seem short. But when I think about how fast this past year has gone, it scare me by how quickly time can slip between my fingers. There is so much I want to do with my life and not only before I die. I have a list of stuff I'd like to accomplish before graduating nursing school, before having children, before the summer, by the end of the night.

I get myself so overwhelmed just thinking about everything I have/want to do. And then I usually don't do half the shit I want to do b/c I'm too overwhelmed. Totally counterproductive, I know. I started making lists, trying to prioritize what needs to get done first.

Being in school, working, writing, having horses, ferrets, my dog, my friends, and being a wife takes up a lot of time. Like right now, I'm already ready for bed. I REALLY wanted to finish DC tonight. (A little side note...I don't like to write when I'm really tired. It usually turns into complete crap and I rewrite it.) I'm always wishing for another hour to be added to the day so I can have more time to get my shit together. I always look forward to the weekend so I can have that day off to sleep in, be lazy, and write.

I want the week to end so I can get to Saturday.

And I need to stop. I need to stop rushing. I need to sit back and enjoy every minute of every day. I know I won't be happy every minute of every day, but I want to remember that I am alive. Which brings me to my purpose of life debate that causes much inner turmoil and late night philosophical conversations with my friends.


Why are we here?


We have to have a reason other than to get married and have babies, right? To me, the purpose of a human life has to be more than just reproducing. That is so...animalistic and basic. This will be a question that I will never be able to answer or ever feel satisfied with. I like to think we are here to make a difference: and that difference can be good or bad.

Obviously, we should make a good difference. But life is about balance: light and dark, good and evil. If there was no evil, no crime, no sickness, then the world would be a perfect place, right? How can you improve Utopia? You can't. So you really wouldn't be able to make a difference. Would that make you not have a purpose? Would your purpose be something simple like growing crops? Simple, yet needed.

I feel my rational goes in circles. What is it about humans that makes us want to know this crap? Why do I even care? Why do I feel this hallow, pulling drive to be the best I can be and fulfill my purpose? I have no idea. All I know is without this pull, without this desire, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

I'm totally going to assume other people feel this way. Hopefully, lol. So, I try to live my life to the fullest each day. And that doesn't mean I do something grand and amazing; I just appreciate what I was able to do today, even if it was sit on my ass, eat Swedish Fish and type on this blog. Life can be gone so quickly.

Be grateful for your health.
Be thankful for the people you have in your life.
Smile.
Laugh.
Be happy for others.
Let go of grudges.
Do something nice for yourself.
Do something nice for someone else.
Appreciate that you were able to get up this morning.
"Live like you are dying."

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